Even the healthiest, most functional person can look dysfunctional in an extreme situation.

This sentiment, paraphrased from one of my graduate school text books, is something I think about a lot.  It’s true of individuals, but it’s also true of couples and families.

Consider a fictional couple I’ve just invented: Jesse and Kelly.  They love each other a great deal, and their friends think of their relationship as aspirational.  They disagree sometimes, but they communicate beautifully and “fight fair” when they argue.  They support each other through difficult times.  They have a strong bond, but also autonomous interests that help them maintain their independent identities.

Now imagine something stressful that affects both Jesse and Kelly.  It doesn’t have to be something objectively “bad” – just stressful.  Maybe they’re planning a wedding or just brought home a new baby.  Maybe Jesse’s work became demanding at the same time Kelly is getting ready to defend a dissertation.  Or maybe it’s something unpleasant – a death in one of their families, or an injury that affects one of their abilities to function normally.

It’s likely, under these circumstances, that Jesse and Kelly will start to fight more than they used to.  It’s not because their relationship is any worse than it was – but it takes a lot of emotional energy to be kind when you’re hurt, and when you’re under stress, that energy is going elsewhere.

 

Enter the Stress Management Action Plan.

Tapping into the supportive, patient, calm part of yourself to be there for your partner is really hard – but if you have a system in place, it’s much easier.  You can grab a piece of paper or pull up a file on your phone, and it will tell you how to help your partner.  It saves you from having to find that resource within yourself.

There are two important things to note about creating this plan:

  1. Strike when the iron is cold. If you and your partner try to sit down while one or both of you are having a “stress attack,” neither of you is going to be in the right state of mind to calmly discuss what would be helpful. But if you wait until a moment where you’re getting along well and stress levels are lower, you can think through what your “future self” might need.  If you and your partner are at a point in time where neither of you has any major stressors, it’s better to create this plan now rather than waiting for things to escalate.
  1. Develop it collaboratively. Don’t try to do this single-handedly and then implement it. Just as you know best what might be helpful to you, your partner knows best what would be helpful for them – and it might be something you haven’t thought of.

The “Stress Management Action Plan” (shall we call it SMAP?) template I’ve developed has four parts, but you can amend and develop this in whatever way feels like it might be most helpful for you:

 

Part 1 – Stress check-in

This serves to evaluate what level of need your partner has in a given moment.  You can use the questions that feel most useful to you, but here’s an example of what Jesse and Kelly wrote for their stress check-in:

When one of us senses that the general stress level in the room is rising, we should take a moment to check in.  These are the questions to ask:

  • “1-10, what’s your stress level right now?”
  • List possible sources of stress to evaluate what it’s about.  For example: “Work, baby, or other?”

 

Part 2 – Loving reminders

This serves to remind the person feeling more stress that they are not alone, and that their partner is on their side.  Here are some loving reminders that Jesse and Kelly felt would be helpful in times of stress:

  • Remind me that we are allies and you’re on my side.
  • Remind me that stress has a function, and that what I’m feeling is the pull of future accomplishment.  It’s a mark of caring and investment, not a sign of failure.
  • Remind me that not everything has to be solved or finished in this moment.
  • Remind me that we are here to help each other.  Ask me what can be done to help, taking into consideration your appointments and other obligations.

 

Part 3 – Feelings First

This serves to address the sense of overwhelm the stressed-out person is feeling without taking too much time.  These should be things that can be done in under 10 minutes to relax, calm, or center the person, without taking a significant enough portion of their day that they will feel more overwhelmed later.  Here are a few items from Jesse and Kelly’s list:

  • 3 minute mindfulness meditation
  • Go for a walk, together if possible
  • Do a grounding exercise: List 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can smell, and one thing you can taste
  • Sing your favorite song.

(For other ideas of mood-centering activities to include in your SMAP, take a look at my post about 100 self-care ideas, especially the section about things that can be done in under 3 minutes.)

 

Part 4 – Tackle the beast

Sometimes, stress comes from things that can’t be managed with a “to do” list – but often it comes from a sense of too many obligations.  In this latter situation, what most people need is to start crossing things off the list.  Here’s Jesse and Kelly’s guidelines for making that happen:

  • “You said that your stress level is an 8 (or whatever they said it was).  What’s one small thing you could do right now that would help you get to a 7?”
  • Make a list of everything on your plate.  Decide what needs to be triaged, and whether anything can be delegated – to your partner or otherwise.
  • Get started – Oftentimes, action comes before motivation.