This morning, I went to an Emmy’s “For Your Consideration” event for the TV show “Crazy Ex Girlfriend” where the show’s producers, including frontwoman Rachel Bloom, were interviewed.
“It’s amazing, what you’ve done here,” said the interviewer. “And this is just the beginning for you! What’s it like to know that you could do anything you want after this?”
“I don’t think of it like that,” responded Rachel, who plays Rebecca Bunch, a singing, dancing, love-struck woman struggling with borderline personality disorder… who also happens to be incredibly funny. “I don’t think, ‘this is how I got my start, and I’ll look back at it fondly.’ This could be it for me. Like, this could be the most successful thing I ever do, and maybe everything else I try to create will fail.”
Maybe this sounds bleak… but I was so impressed by her ability to stay in the here and now rather than rushing ahead into the future.
We’re all a work in progress.
When you look back, it’s so easy to tell a story in hindsight. “Ah yes, I got my start with this thing, which gave me the opportunity to do this other thing, and now I’m here with this success.”
Here’s my version of that story: “When I moved home to Los Angeles from Boston, I applied for my California psychotherapy license, worked at an agency for awhile, then opened my first private practice, part-time in the evenings. Then I took a leap and left the agency to focus on my business, built a caseload, hired other therapists, and now I have 5 employees and the opportunity to serve a lot of clients from a strength-based, social justice informed perspective!”
Great! Things are going well, and I would describe my current feelings as proud and successful… but the “what ifs” always linger:
“What if I’m not cut out to be a business person?”
“What if I’m not giving my clients the best possible services?”
“What if my next hire is the wrong person?”
“What if the economy crashes?”
“What if new clients stop calling?”
And here’s what it all boils down to: Am I enough?
And the answer has to be yes.
Your sense of self-worth has to be stable enough to weather the ups and downs, because ultimately, that core belief in your own worthiness is all you can depend on.
And you have to be able to believe in your own value regardless of what happens externally. This has to be true, regardless of whether you get the job, or lose the weight, or pass the exam, or win the contest, or find Prince or Princess Charming. (Actually, beware of Prince or Princess Charming… instead, aim for Prince or Princess Genuine ─ why is there no gender neutral term for royalty? But I digress.)
There are things you have control over: You can work hard, you can seek inspiration, you can be as prepared as possible, you can make plans and goals and take actionable steps to work towards them, you can do your best to surround yourself with good people.
And there are things that you have no control over: Other people’s opinions, other people’s actions, the culture we live in, the weather, your health.
Everyone feels insecure. Everyone wonders, when things are going well, if the other shoe is going to drop.
Brené Brown calls this “Foreboding Joy”.
Foreboding joy is when you predict that something amazing will go away. It’s a defense mechanism we use to protect ourselves from feeling too vulnerable, because ultimately, joy is the most vulnerable emotion.
It’s that feeling when you look into your baby’s crib, feel a rush of love and happiness, and then you think, “but what if he stops breathing?”
It’s that feeling when you are embracing your significant other, and you feel deeply connected to them, and you think, “shit, they could get hit by a car tomorrow.”
It’s that feeling when you are a quadruple-threat (acting/ singing/ dancing/ writing) with a hit TV show and a huge cult following, and you think to yourself, “but I’m in my early 30s, and this could be where I peak.”
And to varying degrees, it’s something that most people experience.
The antidote is gratitude.
Now here’s why I don’t think that Rachel Bloom’s comment this morning was bleak or self-deprecating: because what she expressed, ultimately, was gratitude. Every theater kid dreams of making it big, and she did just that. She has no idea what the future holds – none of us do – but she seemed so grateful for the opportunity to write and star in “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend”.
That’s the practice: When you find yourself feeling anxious, stuck in a place of foreboding joy, take a page out of Ms. Bloom’s book. Remind yourself that this may be all there is – but even if that’s true, what you have now is AWESOME.
In dark moments, when the phone hasn’t rung for a few days, or I have a difficult negotiation with our landlord, or I’m panicking because we ran out of bottled water in the waiting room (or some other detail), I don’t make promises to myself about the future that I may or may not be able to keep. I don’t say, “hey, chill out, everything will definitely be fine.” Because the fact of the matter is, I don’t know if that’s true.
Instead, I take a deep breath and say:
I am grateful that I have the privilege to do this amazing work.
I am grateful that I have surrounded myself with other therapists who share my values.
I am grateful for the clients who trust us with their stories.
I am grateful that I never compromised my principles while building my business.
I am grateful that I have loved ones who listen to me when I’m talking through a business decision.
What is your source of foreboding joy right now? I challenge you to try practicing gratitude, grounding yourself in the present, in the things you know to be true, and see if it helps.