Sex therapist Marty Klein is an incredibly good speaker. He’s an excellent writer (and you should seriously consider getting your hands on a copy of his book Sexual Intelligence), but his speaking is absolutely unparalleled. That’s why when I was in the Bay Area a few weeks ago for a wedding, I jumped on the opportunity to see him give a talk.

At this talk, Dr. Klein addressed – among other things – a common problem he sees where two members of a monogamous couple have different sexual interests. For example, he explained, a client will often come into a session and say, “my partner wants me to do such-and-such, but I don’t want to. He keeps asking, but it’s just not something I want to do.” His solution to this was, “okay – then don’t do it!” And then, “this isn’t a sex problem… it’s a communication problem. You’ve said that you don’t want to do this, you’ve set a boundary and communicated your lack of interest clearly, so why does your partner keep asking you?”

He then went on to explain, “If someone asks me if I want broccoli, the answer will be no. And I can also tell you that I’ve never been interested in broccoli, and I’m pretty sure I will never be interested in broccoli. If you ask me if I want broccoli a week from now, the answer will be no, and if you ask me if I’ll want broccoli ten years from now, I’m pretty confident the answer is still going to be no. And so if someone lives with me and knows me well, they simply know not to offer me broccoli!”

I nodded. That makes sense, sure… what makes sex (or, in this case, a particular sexual interest) any different from broccoli? But then I realized that there’s actually a huge difference. I raised my hand.

“The thing is,” I posed, “if the person you live with really likes broccoli, they can just make half the amount of broccoli and enjoy it on their own. But in a monogamous relationship, if one partner likes a particular sexual thing and the other doesn’t, there isn’t another outlet for that.”

He nodded. “Life’s tough, isn’t it?”

We, the audience laughed nervously.

“No seriously,” he urged, “that’s a clinical intervention: Life’s tough, isn’t it? Sometimes we can’t have everything we want, and that’s part of life.”

He paused, and then made the distinction more concrete:

“Most activities are non-monogamous.”

Wow, okay. That’s the difference between broccoli and sex. It’s also the difference between golf and sex, between board games and sex, between traveling and sex. When you’re looking for a life partner, they don’t need to share all of your interests.

If you love hiking, but your partner prefers going to the movies, you can go hiking with your friends and your partner can go to the movies with their friends. It doesn’t matter that you don’t like the same things, because you can share your interests with other people. Then you can reunite, tell each other stories about the fun day you had, and revel in your shared evening, enjoying things you do both like to do together. This is positive and healthy.

But if you enjoy being tied up during sex and your partner is really uncomfortable tying you up during sex… well, then you’re at a bit of an impasse. Unless you’re polyamorous, the two of you will have to come to an accord. So, assuming you and your partner have good sexual communication, you have a conversation:

“I would like you to tie me up.”

“I’m really not comfortable doing that.”

And because you’re a consent-abiding human and you respect your partner, you say, “okay, I respect that.” But you still really would like to have sex while tied up. And you still want to be monogamous with your partner. So then what?

Well, then it’s time to get more introspective and figure out (perhaps with the help of a sex-positive therapist) what, exactly, appeals to you about the prospect of being tied up. Is it:

  • the power dynamic?
  • having your hands restricted?
  • that other sexual activities feel better when your hands are bound at a particular angle?
  • the novelty of experimentation?

And once you’ve identified what it is that interests you about that particular thing, you can work with your partner to find other activities that you’re both open to that meet that criterion.

 

When you agree on how, but not how often

This issue also comes up around frequency of sex – again, different from broccoli. If I enjoy playing Scrabble and my partner also enjoys playing Scrabble, great – we’re compatible! And if I want to play Scrabble every night and my partner wants to play Scrabble once a month, I can download Words with Friends or meet up with some buddies at Game Haus Café and voila! My partner and I are both happy.

But again, this isn’t the case with sex. Because sex is unique in that (except in poly and open relationships) it’s monogamous, you and your partner have to agree. Some people can get needs met through masturbation, but many would say this is a poor substitute.

In this case – a question of frequency – the name of the game is compromise. Find something that works for both of you. Have a frank and honest discussion (again, if necessary, with the help of a therapist who is comfortable working with sexual issues) about the factors contributing to this disparity. Here’s a place to start:

What does the partner with the  higher desired frequency feel is lacking?

Is it orgasm? Is it physical closeness? Is it the feeling of being desired and validated? It could be a hundred things, and it’s better to talk this through rather than making assumptions.

 

And, of course, the flip side:

Why does the other partner want sex less often?

Some things are non-negotiable. Perhaps one partner is asexual or graysexual and just naturally has a lower sex drive. Or maybe they have trauma or baggage around sexual issues and this causes them to feel anxiety. (To be clear, this is a completely separate category from asexuality.)  Or perhaps there’s something hormonal – menopause, being a new parent, side effects of a medication, or the like.

But maybe it’s something that can be addressed. Perhaps this partner feels stressed out about work and sex just isn’t their priority. Maybe they feel they have to choose between sleep and sex, and given the busy nature of their life, sleep always wins. Maybe they have expectations that sex will happen spontaneously like it did when the relationship was new, but life has gotten in the way of that. Or maybe they’re insecure and worried about it not being up to their standard. (Seriously, you can buy Marty Klein’s book, which addresses many of these subjects, here.)

The point of all this is that because sex is, in most relationships, a monogamous activity, it can be fraught with disagreements. Sometimes both parties can’t have everything what they want, but with open, kind communication, many of these disparities can be reconciled so that everyone feels satisfied.