How we imagined it:
2 shots, 2 weeks, and HELLO WORLD, HERE I COME!
The Reality:
…is a lot more complicated than that.
The country is reopening, and depending who you ask, this is for better or for worse. As this happens, and as it gets safer to venture out, a common theme in the therapy room is… how do I put this delicately… What the fuck do I do now??!
For over a year now, we’ve been using the phrase “after the pandemic,” only to find that it’s not quite so clear cut. Between the New York Times reporting that we’re unlikely to gain herd immunity in this country and the CDC giving extremely confusing recommendations that rely on the honor system and fail to account for people who can’t get vaccinated, a lot of people’s heads are spinning.
Given the habits we’ve built, the fear we’ve felt, the things we’ve missed, and the grief we’ve experienced, it’s understandable that post-vaccine life would be bittersweet and a bit confusing. When your head is spinning, it can be hard to sort through how you’re feeling.
Something that my clients have found helpful is to break down their concerns into separate components, so they can clearheadedly address each one, rather than trying to tackle the whole tangle at once. Here are the three questions we’ve been looking at:
1. Do I have actual health fears?
For those who believe in science, fear of getting sick has been the defining concern of the last 15 months. It’s what put us all into lockdown in the first place, it’s why we wear masks, and it’s been on everyone’s minds every time someone at the grocery store sneezes.
So if you’re fully vaccinated, the question becomes: Is this still a real concern?
For some people, the answer may be yes. If you have a preexisting condition that may nullify the impact of the vaccine, if you’re worried about variants, or if you have a disability that makes you unable to be vaccinated, you’re probably still very worried.
Beyond that, anyone with a child under 12 has a whole different set of considerations to wrestle with. For example, I am fully vaccinated and have no mitigating conditions, so I can go to Target with some modicum of confidence, but can I bring my toddler, who can’t get vaccinated and is too young to wear a mask? And how does that change on June 15th when the statewide mask mandate disappears? (As an aside, for those with younger children, I found this Emily Oster article to be very helpful and reassuring.)
But at this point, most of the fully vaccinated people I’ve talked to seem to feel that the answer is that no, they aren’t particularly worried about their physical health and safety.
If you are scared, that’s okay too. A doctor can answer your questions about this, and a therapist can support you if this is something you just can’t seem to push past.
2. What new social mores make me uncomfortable with the idea of reintegration?
A more (pronounced more-ay) is an unspoken rule that we all follow. For example, clapping at the end of a performance, or walking on the right side of the sidewalk.
Sneakily, over the last 15 months, a lot of social mores have shifted. For example, if we used to feel most comfortable standing 3 feet away from someone while engaging in a conversation, it’s now probably closer to, well, six feet.
Taking this into consideration, a lot of the fears that clients have been expressing in session sound on the surface like they’re about health and safety, but they’re actually about the anxiety that emerges when we think about threats to our new habits and behaviors.
If you’re uncomfortable with the idea of crowding into an elevator, shoulder-to-shoulder with 10 other people, is it because you’re worried about COVID (question #1) or because you’ve fallen out of the habit of being close to strangers? If you feel resistant to attending an in-person meeting, is it because you think it would be safer to Zoom, or because you flinch when you imagine someone extending a handshake? Or maybe the commute to the meeting feels like precious time you could be spending elsewhere, or putting on nice pants feels like a burden. We’ll get to those things in a moment.
If you’re renegotiating your relationship with this new world’s social norms, and if you feel uncomfortable or anxious when you think about crowds, elevators, or close contact with other people, you might consider some informal exposure therapy.
Exposure therapy is the idea that the more you’ve experienced or been exposed to something, the less anxiety-provoking that thing becomes. If you and a friend, both of you vaccinated, carpool somewhere without wearing masks, you may spend much of the trip saying “ohh, this feels weird, are we really doing this?” But the third or fourth time, you’ll just be chatting about life events and the TV shows you’ve been watching.
A lot of companies are making announcements that employees will be expected to return to the office soon. For a lot of people, this is bringing up a lot of nervous feelings. If those feelings are related to new social mores, it can be helpful to do a bit of exposure therapy on your own terms: Go to a restaurant or movie, or go to a small, COVID-conscious gathering. You can always leave if you feel uncomfortable, and try again another time.
Give yourself grace. We may be on the tail-end of this collective trauma, but we’re still in it.
3. Do I want to go back to my pre-COVID life?
As people begin to think about going “back to normal,” a lot are coming to the conclusion that “normal” wasn’t sustainable. After being forced to whittle their life down to its most basic elements, folks are getting ruthless about eliminating things that aren’t jiving with them.
For some people, this is easy: being more selective about social outings, working from home more often for employers that make that an option. But for others, it’s really painful and challenging. It might mean changing jobs, or even careers. It might mean ending or setting boundaries in relationships that aren’t positive or healthy. These kinds of decisions can feel like leaps into the abyss, but a lot of people are choosing to make major life changes now that they’ve experienced something different.
And so a lot of people are saying “this doesn’t work for me anymore,” and choosing to change their lives. For some people, this decision is a path to be more mindful, to simplify: relishing a life that doesn’t involve commuting, has fewer social commitments, and gives them more time with their partners and children.
But for others, it’s been about the recognition of something much more insidious. Working (and doing most other things) from home has allowed members of marginalized groups, including women, BIPOC folks, queer people, and people with disabilities to experience a life without microaggressions. When you work from home, no one makes an inappropriate comment about your dress, or face-swaps you with the only other person of the same race in your office. (After all, your name is right there at the bottom of the Zoom box.)
Now that we can go back to business as usual, many people are asking if they want to. Maybe business as usual wasn’t serving everyone. And yes – fighting for systemic change, educating the masses about the traumatic impact of systemic oppression – these things matter greatly. But now that some people have experienced a life without these things, they’re loathe go to back to them.
If you’re thinking about hanging onto some of the parts of quarantine that served you better than your “before-times” life, know that you’re not alone. It’s okay to question this. Actually, it’s more than okay. Now is a perfect time to zoom out, examine what’s working and what isn’t, and declutter your life.
If you’re navigating this, it can be challenging. I’d love to support you as you piece through it. You can reach out to schedule a free phone consultation here. As you’re going through this transition, I’d love to help you figure out what should stay and what should go.