“Are you aware that you default to flexing your feet?” my reflexologist asked me a few months ago.

I’d been seeing a reflexologist (and a podiatrist, a physical therapist, an acupuncturist, and briefly a rheumatologist) because of chronic pain throughout my feet and ankles. An MRI had revealed, among other things, that I had early signs of degradation in both of my Achilles tendons.

“No,” I told her, “I hadn’t noticed.”

“You know, when you flex your feet really aggressively like that, it can wear away at your Achilles tendons over time.” I hadn’t told her about the MRI results, and I blanched at the connection.

Oh great, I did this to me. Why on earth did I do this to me?

But later, I reflected on the conversation. Why did I default to flexing my feet when it actually takes work and effort to do so?

Oh right.

I’d been getting “Charlie horses” regularly a few years ago – sudden, intense seizing feelings in my calves that would disrupt my rest and wake me up in the middle of the night. The way to prevent them? Flexing my feet.

It worked really well. I didn’t get Charlie horses anymore.

But now I had fraying Achilles tendons – a part of my body that, as it turns out, is pretty darn important.

Why am I telling you this story?

Because it’s the story of every client I’ve ever seen who engages in a habitual behavior that feels unsustainable but that they can’t seem to stop. I’m not a podiatrist, I’m a therapist, but this pattern shows up EVERYWHERE in my clients.

It shows up in the client who chronically people pleases because it kept them safe in an unpredictable childhood home.

It shows up in the client who smokes too much weed because they were trying to numb a trauma.

It shows up in the client who puts up walls in their relationships because they learned that you can’t get hurt if you never let anyone in.

It shows up in clients who engage in extreme perfectionism to overcompensate for their natural neurodivergent scattered tendencies.

Blaming yourself doesn’t help

After that reflexology appointment, I spent about 24 hours in a pity party. I self-flagellated, and every time I caught myself flexing my feet (which I did basically, as she had pointed out, all the time), I berated myself. “What are you DOING? You know BETTER. STOP IT!”

But as we learned from Bob Newhart, “stop it!” never works.

Quickly, I softened on myself. My over-flexed feet solved a problem – I no longer got Charlie horses. But they caused a worse problem. “Thank you,” I said to my very clever compensatory self, “you helped me adapt. Now it’s time to move on and find something different.”

It is HARD. My learned behavior kept me safe. I do it now without even thinking. If I stop, will I start getting painful spontaneous calf cramps again?

But most things aren’t that binary. It’s not 1) flex my feet causing long-term harm or 2) deal with getting Charlie horses. It’s probably 3) teach myself how to relax my feet while also researching other ways to mitigate Charlie horses.

This is also true with clients’ concerns.

It’s not 1) people please or 2) be emotionally unsafe. It’s 3) learn how to gauge the difference between unsafety and discomfort while also tuning back into your own needs.

It’s not 1) smoke lots of weed or 2) get mired down in trauma. It’s 3) learn to hold and move through the trauma in a supportive environment while also decreasing substance use at the same time.

It’s not 1) never let anyone in or 2) get hurt all the time. It’s 3) find ways to suss out who is safe enough to let in, as well as learning how to tolerate the intrinsic vulnerability a person experiences when they risk closeness with someone else.

It’s not 1) live in a constant state of anxiety forever or 2) be overtaken by the absolute sloppiest form of your ADHD. It’s 3) figure out what’s important and what you can let go of while managing the challenges of executive functioning so that you can live a functional life while also caring for your emotional wellbeing.

You may notice that #3 is always the most complex. This is not a mistake. It takes nuance and balance to find a solution that keeps you safe from the bad thing while also preventing the unwanted behavior. But there’s a tipping point.

For example – I’ll be damned if I want my Achilles tendons to be gone before I’m 50. So perhaps this means I need to put in a little bit of work. I’m optimistic though – I think it will be worth it.