As I was driving home from work today, my friend Carolyn called me on the phone and told me about her rough day.  Her boss had told her that he wanted her to something, and she felt that it was unethical.  She had voiced that, and he had met her with stubborn opposition.  She felt completely powerless, stuck in a double-bind between her principles and her job.

Without thinking about it, I said the first that that came to my mind.  “Ugh, I would feel so gross and awful if that happened to me.”

Then my brain started spinning.  “Come on, Jennie, that’s so unhelpful.  Say something positive, something upbeat.  Find a bright side.  That’ll cheer her up!”

And yet, while I was spinning in my head about what I thought I should have done, through the phone line, I felt Carolyn relax.  “Thank you for saying that.  That was exactly what I needed to hear.”

 

We’re not really taught how to reflect feelings.

This whole encounter reminded me of a couple, Gary and Mason (pseudonyms), who I worked with a few years ago.  Gary felt that Mason didn’t know how to support him emotionally when he was struggling with something.  The following exchange ensued:

Me: How do you imagine Gary is feeling right now, as he’s telling this story?

Mason: Um… he looks sad, and a little bit hurt.

Me: Okay, can you say that to him?

Mason: When you told that story, you seemed to be feeling sad and hurt.

Me: Gary, how did that feel, hearing Mason say that?

Gary: It felt really good, really validating.

Mason: I don’t understand… what did I just do?

 

Listen, Don’t Fix

The conventional wisdom is that problems demand a solution.  Because of this, when someone we love tells us a story that makes them feel angry, sad, ashamed, or another uncomfortable emotion, we go into “fix it” mode.  On paper, it makes sense.  When your problem is solved, you won’t have that problem anymore.

But here are some of the things I hear people say when their loved ones suggest solutions instead of reflecting feelings:

  • My anger was too loud, I couldn’t hear them through it.
  • Honestly, all I needed was a hug.  This thing was out of my control, and I just needed to know someone cared.
  • Do they think I’m so stupid that I hadn’t thought of that possibility myself?

So here’s the rule to live by:

 

Feelings First.

That’s it – feelings first.

When someone approaches you with a problem, don’t jump to try to solve it.  Instead, help them feel seen and heard by reflecting their emotions.  This is why what I said to Carolyn was so effective.  She thought, “oh, okay, somebody understands me.  Maybe I’m not crazy.  Maybe I’m not overreacting.”

This helps the person come down from a heightened emotional state.  And then, if you still want to help solve the problem, you can give them the choice.  Ask, “I have some ideas of something you can do to improve this situation – would you like to hear them?”

But always reflect feelings first.